Jokes (A little longer)

Brewery Chairmen Have A beer

During a beer brewers convention a number of the brewery chairmen decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery chairmen look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness chairman replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Cuckoo Clock Imitation

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

The Perils Of Late Night Drinking

A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."

The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will no tbe any complaints in the morning.

The guy agress to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"

"Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

O'Malley Prepares For Death

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

Aftre a lengthy examinaion, the doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

All the beer you want and then some

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Bahamas. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

The Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my village local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, dat's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin , der's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment ya set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another, and in fact all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.  All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me me-self, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister a few times."